


that time i accidentally made everyone ship this

by kingozma



Category: Original Work, W@tchtower Grotto
Genre: AU - Nana Sucks And Hasn't Been Rewritten Yet, Apologies, Gen, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Pedophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23955358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingozma/pseuds/kingozma
Summary: a fic that is... at this time actually not accurate even slightly since i've changed both these characters so much recently! however i still like how this came out, with the understanding that this was written by a very confused and traumatized version of me that hadnt done much recovery yet. so im posting it. we can call it an "everyone sucks AU" i guess.please check tags for trigger warnings! i didnt like ao3's warning system on this one gljkhgh like it's not "underage" its discussion of past pedophilic abuse.
Relationships: Desiderius of the Sea/Nana of the Stars (W@tchtower Grotto)





	that time i accidentally made everyone ship this

Desiderius did technically give him all the time in the world to try and dry off by the door, but because the Mermaid King had already started walking down the hall to one of many dens in the castle that was now nearly a stranger to him, Nana felt obligated to not take a second longer than he absolutely had to without worrying that he’d slip and fall on the hard floors.

That’d leave another unsightly mess to clean up, and in the past 40 years, Nana had found he was no longer the kind of man who left his messes around for other people to take care of. And he found it unforgivable that he ever was in the first place.

So what this meant was that the cruelly soft, warm chair Desiderius had led him to was now getting wet, and it was another thing Nana felt sorry for. After all this time, he didn’t know if he remembered Desiderius as a man fastidious and concerned with the appearance and wellbeing of his furniture, or as a man too tired to care about the newest stain in this or that sofa. The fact that Desiderius wasn’t saying a word about it did not point to either theory being truer than the other, and that was frightening.

But Nana, no longer a king but a mere wandering knight, learned that it was best to keep quiet when something was troubling him. And between the small talk that was traded between the two and what Desiderius had just said, Nana wasn’t sure which was more troubling.

“… You let me. You let me take the blame. Remember that?”

With downcast eyes, Desiderius spoke thus. Desiderius spoke as a man who had only just learned it was alright to talk about such things, who had only just learned it was alright to cry out when he was struck.

How unfair that it had taken this long.

Of course, Nana knew exactly what he meant. He remembered Desiderius’ ‘confession’ to this day very well.

He knew you all would have done the same if you had the chance.

He knew it was wrong, but.

He wasn’t even sure if he was sorry at this point.

(How sorry could he be when he hadn’t done it in the first place?)

… All Nana could do was nod, and see what Desiderius would say next.

And next indeed, Desiderius said “You didn’t _make_ me do it,” in a conspiratorial tone that could have only suggested that he’s thought about this, turned it over quite a bit in his head since then, “You just… Didn’t stop me.” Laughing softly to himself, he added, “You seemed so caught up in how you felt that you just weren’t thinking about it, but… I wonder if there was really something else going on there.”

…

Then he looked Nana straight in the eyes, and asked, “Do you even have anything to say for yourself?” He was smiling, but it wasn’t right at all.

…

Desiderius couldn’t have wanted an apology. What good was ‘sorry’ by this point? That sounds just like something Nana would have said all those years ago. Just a ‘sorry’, as he cowered into his chair, unsure if he was more afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or of getting caught.

And answering that age-old question aloud, Nana said, “I didn’t know what I would do if everyone knew I did such a horrible thing. I wouldn’t have said it was wrong then, but I believe I knew. On some level, I want to say I knew it was wrong, and I thought it was just too late to stop. Or maybe I just didn’t care, I remember feeling that I knew best – better than society as a whole.”

Judging by the look on Desiderius’ face, he wasn’t expecting an answer like that.

“I have very little that I can say for myself,” Nana continued, “I can’t defend the indefensible. There’s only one thing I can do.”

Loath to take such a seemingly learned response at face value, Desiderius leaned back in his own chair across from Nana, taking that statement for the challenge he thought it was.

“And what would that one thing be, O… _King Nana of the Stars?_ ” Asked the Mermaid King, hardly bothering to hide his contempt with one elbow on his armrest and that hand lazily folded over the sneer on his face.

What Desiderius heard was sanctimonious bullshit, to put it delicately. He heard ‘ _I’m good now! Please believe me!’_ And he’d be damned if he was going to believe another word out of this old snake’s mouth after all he’d been through.

“… I can answer the question of ‘Why did you do that?’, and that is all. The past is far beyond my reach, but perhaps I can give you some… Sense of closure if that’s what you desire. Some—sign that yes, your perception of the events unfolded was correct. It was just…” He paused a moment, eyes darting away, “It was just me. Not letting you know that.”

With a scoff, Desiderius fired right back with an “Alright, He-Who-Has-Been-Redeemed – who was Nana of the Stars, if you are so sure you aren’t him?”

Of course, Nana never claimed to be separate from his past sins. But he could see why Desiderius would have gotten such an idea, and he didn’t dare debate that.

“I would call myself a child, but that would only muddy the nature of what was so wrong,” he said, “A man did these things. Not a boy. I would call myself foolish, but that wouldn’t exactly be true—I was quite intelligent. What I lacked was wisdom, but I thought I had acquired plenty of it, and so it was everyone else around me who paid the price for that lacking. I thought I could—do no wrong, I truly believed I had all the answers. Nana of the Stars was— _I_ was a manipulator who can only promise that he loved himself.”

“So he never loved Arya Kurosawa, then?” Desiderius asked, eyes heavy as he smiled, “I suppose that sounds about right. That wasn’t _real_ love, you’ll tell me.”

Nana knew Desiderius well enough to know when he was laying a trap. So he stepped aside.

“He loved Arya Kurosawa, yes,” Nana said, feeling rather outside of his own body. This, above all other things, was always the hardest memory for him to make sense of. “And that was certainly love. I—I cannot change the definitions of words to tailor this scenario in just this or that way – But it was wrong. And he knew it was wrong—but—not in the way I would—suppose he—I would.”

Desiderius slowly quirked one eyebrow.

“He knew it was a social—it was a taboo in some way. He even knew there was probably a reason for that taboo to exist. He was just—” Nana gave a brief sigh, clearing his throat and trying to seem as calm as possible, “I was convinced my way was right. I was so sure I was right, that age was such a negligible block in the road, that any argument to the contrary would have fallen on these deaf ears.”

To that, Desiderius had no clever retort. It certainly wasn’t that he was convinced, it was rather – he heard something he liked, and decided he ought press further, with more caution.

So next he asked, “Who was Hachi of the Clouds?”

“A monster of my own design,” Nana said. And he said it very quickly, like he knew that answer front and back. “If I were out of the picture, I know for a fact he would not have felt half as empowered in his…” Nana grimaced. ‘Antics’ wasn’t the right word. “His actions. Yes.”

“Really?” Asked Desiderius, tone flat as he started tapping his nails against his lips. A nervous habit? Nana couldn’t tell for sure.

“Yes. Really. Hachi quite openly took me as inspiration for what he ought do or not do, so I—can’t help but feel responsible for. All of it. For Annie’s leg, for Kyuun’s…” Nana found he was speechless suddenly, but he fought himself valiantly. “Wasn’t there a mortal man he—”

“Yes, Augustine Kaur was his name. Committed suicide thirty years ago.”

Nana grew pale. “… How do you—know so much abou—”

“You aren’t the only one who feels responsible for Hachi’s mess, _Your Highness_ ,” Desiderius said through grit teeth. “You remember very well how the both of you roped me into all that, against poor Kyuun no less when he needed a friend most.”

“… Yes,” Nana said, relaxing again – more for Desiderius’ sake than his own – “I do. The both of us ganged up on you in situations like that. And I think my audacity fanned the flames of his as well. We, ah… Fed each other in a number of. Despicable ways.”

Desiderius paused again, his face still cold and stern. But he nodded. Seemed something about that satisfied him.

“Who was Kyuun of the Woods, Sir Knight?” He asked, crossing one leg over the other.

This one took a little more thought.

“A poor boy I should have left alone,” Nana said, hands growing tight at his armrests, “I… Thought I was fixing him of his asocial habits, but even then I. I must have known, the only pleasure in brutal honesty goes to the honest man. I told myself I was performing some act of charity, though I knew I was only molding him in my image – as if my image was a proper mold for everyone. I knew he wasn’t hurting anyone simply being who he was. He wasn’t hurting me. But his shyness annoyed me.”

“That’s very honest,” chuckled Desiderius. “I didn’t think you’d be opening yourself quite this much.”

“It’s only the truth,” Nana said, looking a bit pained, “And it’s an awful truth to confess. But the truth is always to be confessed, regardless of the confessor’s ‘feelings’. Kyuun of the Woods was… He was a harmless man simply living as he knew how to, and instead of encouraging him to treat himself well, I bullied him further and further into his shell. And because I did, Hachi did as well. And he—he took it further than I thought he would. And still, I defended him, and still I made you stand by him right alongside me.”

Nana figured he knew what was coming next.

“Who was Yukai-toki, Nana?” Desiderius asked, looking as though he might burst into tears any moment.

“… He was.” Gods, was Nana beginning to forget? That couldn’t be true. “He was… He was. The man who should have been in my place from the very beginning.”

For a moment Desiderius looked horrified. Was he suggesting Yukai-toki should have been Arya’s lover?

“Let—Let me explain myself a moment,” Nana stammered, sensing this in Desiderius, “He should have been the one who had that much influence in Arya’s life. He should have been Arya’s king and caretaker, he would have been the father—older brother—what have you—that I always should have been. And I should have.

I should have been the one to be sealed away for my rebellion.”

Desiderius looked no less floored.

“Because I—I would have been jealous of him. Cruelly jealous, I would have told myself he was infantilizing the poor boy—and he was only jealous of me because I was abusing Arya’s innocence, and yet Arya loved me still. He – he only wanted to give Arya what he deserved, Desiderius—a family that cared for him whether or not he succeeded or failed, a family that didn’t… Make him think he was so mature and precocious that anyone would—”

Nana stopped there, and could go no further. But he felt Desiderius deserved an explanation for that stopping.

“… I. I disgust myself so deeply I can hardly stand it. And that is my burden to bear. Not yours, not anyone else’s.” And he said nothing more on that, not trusting himself to stay put-together.

Desiderius had been looking into the fireplace for a while now. He looked weary, but no matter how Nana searched his face for some trace of annoyance or hatred, he couldn’t quite find it.

He thought maybe he wasn’t looking hard enough.

After a few seconds, Desiderius sighed through his nose and said “I see. In that case, I have one more question for you.”

“Yes. Anything.”

Who was Desiderius of the Sea? Nana knew that was coming next. And he was prepared. Desiderius of the Sea was a saint—

“Why did you leave?” Desiderius asked, voice crumpling up into a whimper he couldn’t control.

…

“I… I’m sorry?” Nana asked, unsure he heard Desiderius right.

Desiderius hid his face, ashamed of the tears soaking up his sleeves. “When Arya left, you just. Ran away. How can you sit there, acting like you were so brave and noble to do all this soul-searching when all you did was run away from the people who needed all this honesty DECADES ago?”

Nana didn’t claim to be brave. He certainly didn’t claim to be noble either. But again, he did not argue with Desiderius. His truth didn’t matter right now.

… Or. Well.

“I am not brave or noble at all, my king,” Nana said, feeling his own throat tighten a bit too as he heard Desiderius give a sob right after he was referred to with such reverence, “All I can say I am is learning and trying. You’re—you’re right, when you say I ran away. I…”

… He did truly realize that just now. It seemed his cowardice ran more recent than he thought.

“I supposed the best I could do for you, Kyuun – anyone left in this castle with some sense of decency – was disappear. I couldn’t imagine you would have wanted me to stay and explain myself.”

“I waited—YEARS for you,” Desiderius gasped, voice ragged as he cried, “I thought you were never coming back, that you’d never make all this right again, and now forty years later—here you are! YOU made me wait all this time, and you just. You just. Showed up.”

He stopped making sense right about there, and in his frustration, he could only hunch over and cry.

Nana and his poison skin sat right where they were, knowing better than to reach out to Desiderius. And he had to pause and breathe, to be sure he wouldn’t join Desiderius in those tears. Desiderius didn’t deserve such a display of weakness at a time like this.

“WHY WON’T YOU EVEN _LOOK_ AT ME?!” Desiderius cried, and Nana then became aware that Desiderius was watching him through those long sleeves. “WHY WON’T YOU COME CLOSER?! _COMFORT ME!_ WHEN DID YOU—” Hiccupping, his voice lowered again, “When did you become so _incompetent_?”

All those years ago, Nana would have come closer, he would have dragged his chair right over to Desiderius and held him, stroking his hair, cooing in his ear, letting him let out everything he needed to let out.

That’s right, he was a very affectionate friend back then, wasn’t he?

But Nana was a different man now.

So instead of dragging his chair over there, he simply stood up, walked over to Desiderius’ chair and kneeled before it.

Genuflected, his head lowered. He was in the presence of a king, after all.

… It seemed Desiderius had stopped watching him, because it took him a couple seconds to make another sound or budge an inch. “You’re—You’re—”

Once Desiderius fell into silence again, Nana spoke, his voice deep and soft.

“Desiderius of the Sea was a colleague of mine. He was kind, intelligent – a genius when it came to other people – who… Rose proud, tall, out of a past that tried to break him. I—I am sad, because he never knew this about himself. He never knew his own worth, because the men around him only ever used him like a toy, or bullied him into submission. So he was so tired and sad himself, that he often couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. He must have… Thought there was no point. He must have thought no matter what, he would never be able to change his fate as a mere chess piece of men greater than him.”

Desiderius sniffled.

“But that wasn’t right. Those—those men were not greater than him. They were lowly, cowardly worms—they only thought they were greater than him because they’d figured out how to keep him uncertain of himself. And there was nothing right about that. He, as a thinker, a friend, a king, a man… Ran circles around all of them, and he did so with such ease, without even trying, that they thought he was foolish. Easy to manipulate and use.”

By this point, Desiderius was curled up in his chair, hugging himself as he so desperately wished on every star he could name, against all logic, that Nana would do.

“… If he were in our places—if, he had as much influence and clout in this kingdom as we did… It would have been a much kinder place.” Looking up at the despondent Desiderius, he said, “I stood in your way. I was the one who should have been so unsure of myself, so scared—That would have been fair for someone like myself. I-I can only apologize that nothing was particularly fair then, and that was my fault. I am to blame, not you, nor the silence we forced upon you, nor… Anything on your end. This I can swear, on every holy thing I know.”

Not thinking much of it, he added, “And you are a king I would be proud to serve, had I the pleasure of doing so.”

It was at this point that Desiderius gave up wishing, knowing the stars to have no interest in making him happy. He sat up in his chair again, then stood, and knelt to Nana’s level.

“No,” he murmured, eyes red and puffy, “Don’t put yourself below me. Please. I can’t handle that kind of power over other people. I-I don’t want you to be my servant.”

“Right—Of course, I didn’t quite mean it that way, I will go at the soonest moment I possibly can—”

“No—Nana, please,” Desiderius stammered, breathless, “Not that either. Don’t leave.”

… That was probably the first time in years Nana had heard anyone say that to him.

“… Then I. Will not leave,” Nana said, taken aback and trying to let his brain catch up to his mouth. “If that is what you ask of me.”

Desiderius nodded. He nodded for a couple seconds, very fervently, praying that he got across the point that that was precisely what he was asking, and he didn’t think his heart could take it if the stars refused _that_ request, too. Sensing that, Nana felt he couldn’t just snub Desiderius’ begging for physical touch any further. It was painful and odd, but… His arms found their way around Desiderius one way or another.

“Please don’t go,” Desiderius whimpered, “Not again. Don’t run away this time.”

“I won’t. I won’t.”

There was an unfortunate side of Nana that seemed to wake up with Desiderius in his arms. It was warmer, it was comforting and it was desperately trying to make up for all these lost years and gods it was so helpless to Desiderius in that moment. All it wanted was to make this man smile again, and it would do anything to make that happen.

* * *

As it turned out, what that needed was a good half hour of just sitting there on the floor, cuddling by the fire. It was horribly unlike anything Nana thought he would be doing in this castle that used to belong to him, but when Desiderius stopped crying and started _smiling_ , he didn’t think too hard about it. His smile was enough.

“… Please. Just. Stay for a couple days,” Desiderius said, now stable enough to speak sturdily, “That’s all I ask for. Just a couple days.”

“I will. I—I’ll stay as long as you ask, I don’t want to hurt you again,” Nana replied, looking sheepish. “And. If it ever does happen that I… Have to go, for some period of time—”

“Come back to me.”

Nana blinked.

“Yes—yes, that’s what I was going to say. I _will_ come back to you. I promise.”

… Desiderius really was certain of what he wanted.


End file.
